`I feel like I havent written in forever! Which I kinda havent. for those following I apologize but sometimes life catches up and as much as I try to keep active and doing everything i normally do, i get really tired :(
Every week i kept trying to write and now I just got done with Chemo #5 last week! Ive been taking it like a champ but like i said its tiring and very draining. I have liked it at the clinic where Ive been going because everyone being treated there has cancer, the type varies but we are all there for treatment and the nurses only work with cancer patients and some are survivors themselves which is cool when they start telling you their story.
All my Chemo sessions have been similar, I get there and i get hooked up to the IV through my port and a series of bags of medicine slowly make their way through my system for about 4 to 5 hours, yup, its a long process and its pretty much the same each time. Only thing that differs is how long it takes my system to feel sleepy and dose off during some of the meds. I also get hungry so they recommend you bring a lunch or snacks, which is a must, but i always end up giving my snacks away to people who are there and didnt know to bring anything and they too are hungry, i just feel bad because theyre usually older so im ok with waiting to eat when i get home.
Now, the entire time im there, im usually ok, i nap and relax and leave all drugged up, lol I have pretty much my 3 good days before my cells start dying out and then the fun days begin. My bad days are starting to consist of days where my muscles and entire body hurt like ive been hit by a truck. My head hurts, insomnia kicks in, i get super grouchy and have no patience what so ever!!! Theres about 3 days of me having pain in my mouth and jaw and i have no taste buds so everything tastes like dirt :( its not very cool when theres something you know you love to eat and you go to taste it and its like BLAH!!!!! Those are the days im dealing with right now. 3 down, im hoping 1 to go, & that tomorrow i wake up better and can taste again, its like a magical feeling wen that happens, lol.
Other noticable things are my thinned out hair that i keep saying im gonna cut next week and the weeks keep coming and going and still nothing, lol hopefully next week for reals this time. oh another change has been my nails, crazy but the roots of my fingernails and toenails are black, it looks scary and I feel my nails will just fall off one day, which ive heard from other patients they have!!! but im hoping it doesnt happen to me. I was told its normal and when everything is all done, theyll go back to normal, but for now, the dont look pretty.
I promise I will try to come back in and update you guys some more soon, I have good days coming up this weekend so ill try to not dissapear for so long again, for now this girl is sleepy and in need of a nap, so I will talk to you guys soon.
Thanks for reading!!!
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
#6 Changes are Coming and I'm Ok....
What Changes?
Well, one change that I think we all expect because we hear it happens is weight loss, well in my case, its been the opposite, lol im like hey you bad cell killers, why aren't u taking the fat ones with you, those are very bad! lol but it doesn't seem to work that way, and since I haven't lost my appetite guess that doesn't help either, on the contrary I seriously feel pregnant and when I get a food craving I just gotta have it. So who knows if that will change in an opposite direction down the road, but for now my change hasn't been weight loss, its been weight gain, lol I just say I need it for hibernation mode for those times where I feel down, lol works for me :)
How about some Moody Changes, lol aw man I have those, I try to take a breather before any one of those weird mood moments hit, because I know myself and I know it is not how I normally act, but I do tend to some days feel extra "bitchy"(mainly take that one out on the husband). Extra Sad for no reason sometimes or even watching a sad movie (im mostly by myself for those moments which is good). Extra happy and moments when I save my energy, I try to save those for the kids (even tho they feel mommas wrath sometimes if they try get angry pirate over something or if they haven't finished their homework or done their reading).
I'm also SUPER SPACEY And my Memory fails me even more now, Ive driven out going to one place and forget where i'm going and end up somewhere else, yup its happened, NOT GOOD! Ive left conversations hanging because I got distracted and then I forgot what I was doing (im sorry if ive done that to you)
I shall end this Blog of Change with the biggest one on most peoples minds...Is she going to lose her hair? Well let me tell you now...Yes, yes I will. And that change my friends, has already begun. This entire week I have lost hair by the masses, lol in my sleep, shower, a quick brush stroke through the hair and even just looking at it it falls out, lol. I honestly and sincerely am not worried about it falling out I cant wait to get my head healthy from all the severe rashes that I have had that im sure my poor scalp needs some much needed TLC. When Chemo and everything is all done with, my hair will come back and im sure it will come back beautiful! I was even given some hope that it might come out wavy, ahhhhh wavy, im so excited and all my fingers are crossed for that one, in the mean time I will rock the hats, beanies, and maybe even a wig, and if I lose my eyebrows Gabby already said she will bring stencils over and we can find a good look for me, lol IM READY!!!!
Right now its super thin and I dont have a lot left, during this week im going to let the kids play cut my hair like I promised them so we can make this new change fun and again not something that has to be scary, especially not for the kids. Ill leave you with pics of whats left of my hair, lol.....
Well, one change that I think we all expect because we hear it happens is weight loss, well in my case, its been the opposite, lol im like hey you bad cell killers, why aren't u taking the fat ones with you, those are very bad! lol but it doesn't seem to work that way, and since I haven't lost my appetite guess that doesn't help either, on the contrary I seriously feel pregnant and when I get a food craving I just gotta have it. So who knows if that will change in an opposite direction down the road, but for now my change hasn't been weight loss, its been weight gain, lol I just say I need it for hibernation mode for those times where I feel down, lol works for me :)
How about some Moody Changes, lol aw man I have those, I try to take a breather before any one of those weird mood moments hit, because I know myself and I know it is not how I normally act, but I do tend to some days feel extra "bitchy"(mainly take that one out on the husband). Extra Sad for no reason sometimes or even watching a sad movie (im mostly by myself for those moments which is good). Extra happy and moments when I save my energy, I try to save those for the kids (even tho they feel mommas wrath sometimes if they try get angry pirate over something or if they haven't finished their homework or done their reading).
I'm also SUPER SPACEY And my Memory fails me even more now, Ive driven out going to one place and forget where i'm going and end up somewhere else, yup its happened, NOT GOOD! Ive left conversations hanging because I got distracted and then I forgot what I was doing (im sorry if ive done that to you)
I shall end this Blog of Change with the biggest one on most peoples minds...Is she going to lose her hair? Well let me tell you now...Yes, yes I will. And that change my friends, has already begun. This entire week I have lost hair by the masses, lol in my sleep, shower, a quick brush stroke through the hair and even just looking at it it falls out, lol. I honestly and sincerely am not worried about it falling out I cant wait to get my head healthy from all the severe rashes that I have had that im sure my poor scalp needs some much needed TLC. When Chemo and everything is all done with, my hair will come back and im sure it will come back beautiful! I was even given some hope that it might come out wavy, ahhhhh wavy, im so excited and all my fingers are crossed for that one, in the mean time I will rock the hats, beanies, and maybe even a wig, and if I lose my eyebrows Gabby already said she will bring stencils over and we can find a good look for me, lol IM READY!!!!
Right now its super thin and I dont have a lot left, during this week im going to let the kids play cut my hair like I promised them so we can make this new change fun and again not something that has to be scary, especially not for the kids. Ill leave you with pics of whats left of my hair, lol.....
Monday, April 27, 2015
#5 Chemo, Round 2....and.... 4/17/15
I was a little behind in updating, but im almost caught up now.
I had my second Chemo Friday (4/17/15) and similar to last time I had to go through the ER again due the insurance switch not taking effect until the 1st of May. So, this time thinking it would be smarter to get to the ER early to hopefully get a room sooner, I decided to go around midnight the Thursday before so that hopefully I could have a room by Friday morning. Let me tell you, it wast that bad this time, I got a room around 4:30am and after I got drugged up and hooked up, I was ready for some sleep, cuz lately I have had a bad case of insomnia!
Well, Friday they still ended up starting Chemo late till around 5pm, and this time around it wasn't so easy. I've mentioned before im not really scared of everything going on, its just the initial access to get into my port that freaks me out! I was given a nurse who claimed to have 27 years experience so I was thinking, YES! shes gonna be good, and then AHHHHHH she was horrible!!! I'm so glad I had my husband there and poor Sammy and Gabby were at the door while she was going to access it because they only allow one person with me while exposing the port. Then my worse nightmare in all of this happens, SHE MISSED THE PORT!!!! I got stabbed!!!!! At least that's what it felt like, this huge needle stabbing its way through the wrong way! It was horrible! I cried of course and my husband was just telling me I was bleeding but I couldn't bear to look, she apologized and I just continued to cry into the pillow I had covering my face, time to try again, and then guess what happened, SHE MISSED AGAIN!!!!!! Man, it felt worse than the one before, it was horrible and I was really in a lot of pain, and then here she goes trying to go again! I couldn't anymore, I snapped at her and yelled at her that she was no longer allowed to touch me, I was telling her; how could you have missed it through the tears and I would look back and see the frustration in my husbands eyes, because there was really nothing he could do to make things better. A head nurse finally ended up coming in and inserting the needle but I could tell they didn't put that one in right either but they were to scared to ask to do it again, so my port needle was held up in a weird way by gauze and tape, yeah it didn't look right, lol but it did its job.
Then entire Chemo this time ended around 12:15am so I was not allowed to go home until the next day. This time I asked the doctor to please tell me, out of all the days in between Chemo sessions, which days would you consider are my strongest? She said the best ones are of course the 3 days immediately following Chemo, she said its when my immune system is its strongest and its only reinforced with all the medication, then other strong days where my body is somewhat strong but on its own are the couple days right before the next Chemo date. :)
So this time, what did I do???? I asked my husband to take me out to dinner one day, and we went to the VIEJAS BUFFET!!!! yum!!!! I did wear my ask and entered and exited through the non-smoking section, but boy did I eat my little heart out! AND..... the next day I surprised the kids with a Movie day and we went to the movies and saw Mall Cop 2 and Home ^_^ Again, I wore my mask and we sat in the front seats where no one was sitting, so they were happy and I was super happy, and over all I think we had a GREAT WEEKEND!!!
I had my second Chemo Friday (4/17/15) and similar to last time I had to go through the ER again due the insurance switch not taking effect until the 1st of May. So, this time thinking it would be smarter to get to the ER early to hopefully get a room sooner, I decided to go around midnight the Thursday before so that hopefully I could have a room by Friday morning. Let me tell you, it wast that bad this time, I got a room around 4:30am and after I got drugged up and hooked up, I was ready for some sleep, cuz lately I have had a bad case of insomnia!
Well, Friday they still ended up starting Chemo late till around 5pm, and this time around it wasn't so easy. I've mentioned before im not really scared of everything going on, its just the initial access to get into my port that freaks me out! I was given a nurse who claimed to have 27 years experience so I was thinking, YES! shes gonna be good, and then AHHHHHH she was horrible!!! I'm so glad I had my husband there and poor Sammy and Gabby were at the door while she was going to access it because they only allow one person with me while exposing the port. Then my worse nightmare in all of this happens, SHE MISSED THE PORT!!!! I got stabbed!!!!! At least that's what it felt like, this huge needle stabbing its way through the wrong way! It was horrible! I cried of course and my husband was just telling me I was bleeding but I couldn't bear to look, she apologized and I just continued to cry into the pillow I had covering my face, time to try again, and then guess what happened, SHE MISSED AGAIN!!!!!! Man, it felt worse than the one before, it was horrible and I was really in a lot of pain, and then here she goes trying to go again! I couldn't anymore, I snapped at her and yelled at her that she was no longer allowed to touch me, I was telling her; how could you have missed it through the tears and I would look back and see the frustration in my husbands eyes, because there was really nothing he could do to make things better. A head nurse finally ended up coming in and inserting the needle but I could tell they didn't put that one in right either but they were to scared to ask to do it again, so my port needle was held up in a weird way by gauze and tape, yeah it didn't look right, lol but it did its job.
Then entire Chemo this time ended around 12:15am so I was not allowed to go home until the next day. This time I asked the doctor to please tell me, out of all the days in between Chemo sessions, which days would you consider are my strongest? She said the best ones are of course the 3 days immediately following Chemo, she said its when my immune system is its strongest and its only reinforced with all the medication, then other strong days where my body is somewhat strong but on its own are the couple days right before the next Chemo date. :)
So this time, what did I do???? I asked my husband to take me out to dinner one day, and we went to the VIEJAS BUFFET!!!! yum!!!! I did wear my ask and entered and exited through the non-smoking section, but boy did I eat my little heart out! AND..... the next day I surprised the kids with a Movie day and we went to the movies and saw Mall Cop 2 and Home ^_^ Again, I wore my mask and we sat in the front seats where no one was sitting, so they were happy and I was super happy, and over all I think we had a GREAT WEEKEND!!!
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
#4 How did I feel after Chemo??
So, how did I feel after Chemo?
You guys know by my good Easter weekend I felt good. I honestly didnt know what to expect and based on all the bad things you hear it was hard not to expect that to happen to me. Ive tried to stay away from google and just pretty much searching anything about it cuz its scary, cuz of course all the bad stuff immediately pops up so I figure ill take it one day at a time on my own and make a note of how I feel and go through it however my own body decides to go through it. I think it handled it well I didnt puke which I take as a good sign and I didnt lose my appetite(so far).
There was one thing I googled a couple days after and that was what should you do to prepare for chemo, which of course maybe I should have done that before, lol especially after I read the part that you should visit the DENTIST!!! Ay ay ay,too late for that, lol I guess one common thing that happens after chemo when your good and bad cells start to die is that the good cells that help your mouth and teeth can cause you discomfort and if you had anything going on with your teeth, well, you better pray a little extra they hold out, because you cant have any work done to your mouth while going through chemo because you have to stay away from anything that could cause you any type of infection. So wish my teeth luck :)
Other little things that I should be expecting, is some memory loss, which for those who know me im already spacey and my memory sometimes sucks any ways, so who knows how thats gonna be for me. With the meds and Chemo not knowing how to distinguish good cells from bad cells, like I mentioned before ill have days where my immune system shuts down and im vulnerable to getting sick, so I have days where i have to stay away from people, i have to avoid public spaces.
But you know crazy me, I have my random moments where it makes me feel good to escape to Vons, lol Crazy how little things you are use to doing on a regular basis are taken for granted. Who would of thought it was exciting to go to Vons, well, for me it is. I have to wait to go late at night though, the store is clean, theres not a lot of people and im free to take my time. Its funny cuz if you stop to think about it you wonder, is there anyone else in this store going through something similar? Is the person who just quietly passed you by using this trip as moment to get away from something big going on in their life? Theres a lot going on everywhere with everyone and I dont think any problem or illness is better or worse or more or less important, i think if it hurts you or your family its equally important, and you should find someone to talk to. Its hard to share and go through things but I can only imagine its harder to go through things alone, and I dont think anyone should have to go through anything alone.
I made a comment about this before, and I want to say it one more time, please dont feel like im doing this for any attention what so ever, if you know me im not that type of person, and I have a great support system in my family and friends like those of you reading this. I do this just to hopefully reach anyone out there going through anything to hopefully see that even with the scariest things being thrown our way, we need to try a little extra harder to find the positive so it doesnt have to be that scary....
Monday, April 20, 2015
#3 CHEMO TIME
My first CHEMO!!!
Thats right, That 1st chemo day came by quick! I was ready! It was seriously a mission to get it started though because insurance drama got in the way of the process being a simple trip to the oncologist. Because paperwork wasn't done on time through the insurance offices, I had to go through the adventure of being admitted to the hospital through the ER, which only took 10hrs to get a room, and then about another half day to process Chemo orders, eventually everything was settled and it was finally time to start!
There I was in my own little private room with a designated Chemo nurse getting ready to start when my nerves started kicking in, its funny though cuz they weren't nerves about the meds, I was just nervous about them accessing my port. I have an injectable port permanently inserted right above my heart, they usually put in on your right but because I had my surgery scar all swollen and healing from the infection on my right side they had to place it on my left. The port is made of titanium and it has a special hose that was inserted to one of my main veins because due to the meds being so strong they cant run it through a normal IV because it starts to blow out your veins. So I was nervous because i was like OMG what if they miss and stab my heart! Thats seriously the only thing i was nervous about. And then you know me, i cant say no, what do i do when my head nurse tells me she has a nurse thats never accessed a port before and wanted to see if i didnt mind her guiding her through accessing mine, well, i said yes, AHHHHH my nerves were going crazy, I covered my face and just eeeked and squirmed and laughed through the comments, of where do I feel? what is this part? where do i insert the needle? and the best one, i dont think I can do it, MEGA AHHHHHH, she was so sweet though and BOOM it was done, she did it, i did it, simple sting and discomfort, but I could once again breathe, lol
The entire process took about 6hrs, with pre meds having to go in 1st, then meds go in one at a time and then some have to be injected very slowly though the IV by the nurse directly, and well I think I did good, I was lucky enough not to puke once :) I felt good and proud. I went home with lots of meds waiting for me at home that I have to pretty much take all day and right after Chemo i have to go through 3 days of shots, and I have to be extra careful at home for a couple days because the chemo meds linger in my system and I have to be careful not to spread the meds to the kids or any one in general, so i eat from disposable plates, silverware, cups and i dont share food or kiss the kids till the meds get flushed, but again, kids know everything going on and why. Then when thats done, at about the 4th day after I start pretty much losing my good and bad cells so my immune system starts to shut down, so then thats when i have to be careful of who I'm around, and avoid lots of stuff, places, and crowds cuz well germs and sick people could really cause me to get severely sick, so dont come visit me with any sniffles, lol. My first chemo wrapped up 2days before Easter so with the help of the family and Gabby and Miguel on candy duty we all tried to keep our big egg hunt and bbq a must, they thought we were going to have to cancel, uh I THINK NOT, i have to constantly take little rests to pump up some energy, but overall I think it was another great EASTER!!!! and I just bought more eggs at 75% off at rite aid a couple days ago, so i think next year we will prob be at about 800 or 900 eggs!!!! Im so excited, lol
Thats right, That 1st chemo day came by quick! I was ready! It was seriously a mission to get it started though because insurance drama got in the way of the process being a simple trip to the oncologist. Because paperwork wasn't done on time through the insurance offices, I had to go through the adventure of being admitted to the hospital through the ER, which only took 10hrs to get a room, and then about another half day to process Chemo orders, eventually everything was settled and it was finally time to start!
There I was in my own little private room with a designated Chemo nurse getting ready to start when my nerves started kicking in, its funny though cuz they weren't nerves about the meds, I was just nervous about them accessing my port. I have an injectable port permanently inserted right above my heart, they usually put in on your right but because I had my surgery scar all swollen and healing from the infection on my right side they had to place it on my left. The port is made of titanium and it has a special hose that was inserted to one of my main veins because due to the meds being so strong they cant run it through a normal IV because it starts to blow out your veins. So I was nervous because i was like OMG what if they miss and stab my heart! Thats seriously the only thing i was nervous about. And then you know me, i cant say no, what do i do when my head nurse tells me she has a nurse thats never accessed a port before and wanted to see if i didnt mind her guiding her through accessing mine, well, i said yes, AHHHHH my nerves were going crazy, I covered my face and just eeeked and squirmed and laughed through the comments, of where do I feel? what is this part? where do i insert the needle? and the best one, i dont think I can do it, MEGA AHHHHHH, she was so sweet though and BOOM it was done, she did it, i did it, simple sting and discomfort, but I could once again breathe, lol
The entire process took about 6hrs, with pre meds having to go in 1st, then meds go in one at a time and then some have to be injected very slowly though the IV by the nurse directly, and well I think I did good, I was lucky enough not to puke once :) I felt good and proud. I went home with lots of meds waiting for me at home that I have to pretty much take all day and right after Chemo i have to go through 3 days of shots, and I have to be extra careful at home for a couple days because the chemo meds linger in my system and I have to be careful not to spread the meds to the kids or any one in general, so i eat from disposable plates, silverware, cups and i dont share food or kiss the kids till the meds get flushed, but again, kids know everything going on and why. Then when thats done, at about the 4th day after I start pretty much losing my good and bad cells so my immune system starts to shut down, so then thats when i have to be careful of who I'm around, and avoid lots of stuff, places, and crowds cuz well germs and sick people could really cause me to get severely sick, so dont come visit me with any sniffles, lol. My first chemo wrapped up 2days before Easter so with the help of the family and Gabby and Miguel on candy duty we all tried to keep our big egg hunt and bbq a must, they thought we were going to have to cancel, uh I THINK NOT, i have to constantly take little rests to pump up some energy, but overall I think it was another great EASTER!!!! and I just bought more eggs at 75% off at rite aid a couple days ago, so i think next year we will prob be at about 800 or 900 eggs!!!! Im so excited, lol
#2 So what came next...
So what came next?
Well surprisingly enough asking questions and getting random visits from hospital workers just wanting to lend a shoulder to cry on, words of encouragement and survivors telling me their stories were all helpful little boosts of positive vibes I welcomed from anyone who wanted to talk to me. I even took a visit from a nun who not knowing anything about me started praying with me and then asked what i had, i proceeded to tell her and she right away asked if i didnt love myself or my body to have done this to myself? I was left baffled, she then said well ok, bye, never even finished the prayer, lol i turned and looked at the cross on the wall and honestly smiled and thanked God for the reminder that I will just come across people who wont always understand, and those people may at times be who you least expect, and you know what, Im ok with that.
As best I could i tried letting my family know everything I would find out and explain what I had and the steps that i was going to have to take to get better, i knew i really needed to explain it with more detail when I found out my mom was telling family I had cancer in my tonsils, lol so aside from explaining I still had days when denial from my mom and oldest brother would get me down. My mom with her praying that it just wasnt true and before starting chemo i would wake up one day and the cancer would be gone and my brother asking me how i can just take their word that thats what i had and why with so many studies it never came out before. Now, dont get me wrong, I value all prayers, i ask for them and i welcome them from the bottom of my heart, what hurt with my mom thinking that way was talking to her and telling her, mom say it with me I HAVE CANCER! its there mom and its not going to go away without all the treatments, and we talked about how that particular prayer made me sad because there wasnt anything on my end to help make it happen, we talked about praying for things to go well, pray for me that my body handles it well, pray that I heal faster than usual, that I dont spend too many days puking, that i continue to have my crazy ass positive attitude through this whole journey. Think our talk helped and its helped that she goes to all my appointments with me and i make sure she understands everything going on, then again, anyone who comes and visits and family and the kids I tell them as well everything that happens and why its happening. If you really want to know, i will tell you and now i will put it in words so you can read it in case its hard for us to see each other because well, our lives go on and we all get busy.
So, my first chemo day was approaching fast and I thought what the heck, I feel good lets get to work, so what did my crazy ass do, i took over a high rise project that Vale had in downtown in changing toilet parts in over 400 bathrooms, lol I would go to work along with my work team (thats right I had workers, lol) and pretty much worked till I was 4days away from Chemo, so what did I do with those 4days, well some of you might of seen through facebook that I took off to Vegas with the kids, lol yup, vegas was my time to get away and be ready to come home and DO THIS!!!!
Well surprisingly enough asking questions and getting random visits from hospital workers just wanting to lend a shoulder to cry on, words of encouragement and survivors telling me their stories were all helpful little boosts of positive vibes I welcomed from anyone who wanted to talk to me. I even took a visit from a nun who not knowing anything about me started praying with me and then asked what i had, i proceeded to tell her and she right away asked if i didnt love myself or my body to have done this to myself? I was left baffled, she then said well ok, bye, never even finished the prayer, lol i turned and looked at the cross on the wall and honestly smiled and thanked God for the reminder that I will just come across people who wont always understand, and those people may at times be who you least expect, and you know what, Im ok with that.
As best I could i tried letting my family know everything I would find out and explain what I had and the steps that i was going to have to take to get better, i knew i really needed to explain it with more detail when I found out my mom was telling family I had cancer in my tonsils, lol so aside from explaining I still had days when denial from my mom and oldest brother would get me down. My mom with her praying that it just wasnt true and before starting chemo i would wake up one day and the cancer would be gone and my brother asking me how i can just take their word that thats what i had and why with so many studies it never came out before. Now, dont get me wrong, I value all prayers, i ask for them and i welcome them from the bottom of my heart, what hurt with my mom thinking that way was talking to her and telling her, mom say it with me I HAVE CANCER! its there mom and its not going to go away without all the treatments, and we talked about how that particular prayer made me sad because there wasnt anything on my end to help make it happen, we talked about praying for things to go well, pray for me that my body handles it well, pray that I heal faster than usual, that I dont spend too many days puking, that i continue to have my crazy ass positive attitude through this whole journey. Think our talk helped and its helped that she goes to all my appointments with me and i make sure she understands everything going on, then again, anyone who comes and visits and family and the kids I tell them as well everything that happens and why its happening. If you really want to know, i will tell you and now i will put it in words so you can read it in case its hard for us to see each other because well, our lives go on and we all get busy.
So, my first chemo day was approaching fast and I thought what the heck, I feel good lets get to work, so what did my crazy ass do, i took over a high rise project that Vale had in downtown in changing toilet parts in over 400 bathrooms, lol I would go to work along with my work team (thats right I had workers, lol) and pretty much worked till I was 4days away from Chemo, so what did I do with those 4days, well some of you might of seen through facebook that I took off to Vegas with the kids, lol yup, vegas was my time to get away and be ready to come home and DO THIS!!!!
Sunday, April 12, 2015
#1 Three words that I dont think anyone ever wants to hear...
You have Cancer...
Three words that no one ever really wants to be told. So what do you do when you are? Well, if your me, you cry, you're for a moment heartbroken and you're left wondering am I going to die?
Now, how about I rewind a little bit and hit the fast forward button randomly in between.
This is me:
-Cynthia
-34
-married(Husband Valentin)
-mother of 3(Sammy 13, Melissa 11 and Sarah 9)
-have 3 brothers(Javier, Miguel and Manolo)
-still have both my parents(Graciela and Javier)
-have my little dog(baby girl who thinks shes a real baby)
-6 nieces & 1 nephew
-one super ultimate BFF/Sister(Gabby)
-lots of close family
-and a true handful of bff's I can count in one hand
Now, wish I could say I showed up one day to some tests results and Bam, Cancer was the outcome, but it wasn't, sadly it was a long and extremely emotionally draining roller coaster ride, that all started with a lump. Yup. One tiny little lump the size of a small pea. I had brought it up to my doctor and it was discarded as a regular swollen lymph-node on the back of my neck that would go away in a couple of weeks. It in fact did go away and in its place anther one came along and it too went away. So what happened when I felt one on the side of my neck and noticed after 2 weeks it wouldn't go away? I ignored it and kept telling myself it would. Well, it didn't, and it took me almost 2 months to get myself to tell my doctor, by this time it was no longer the size of a pea, it had grown and felt like the size of a small egg and yet I couldn't get myself to tell him any sooner. I didn't even schedule my own appointment when i finally did, i was there for an appointment with my kids and then threw it out there at the end, and then....Ba Bam...he said, im gonna have to check you in and give you a real check up...I left his office crying that night with my mom and kids in the car and my brother Miguel parked next to us because we met up so he could pick up my niece. I tried to keep a straight face as best as possible and told the kids i was crying because he gave me a shot, when in actuality he had given me all worse case scenarios but at the same time hope that it was just a stubborn infection and i had to come the next day for blood work.
This is where ill hit the fast forward button because the next day of blood work sure wasn't the last. I played the waiting game for almost 8 months through weekly blood tests, random imaging tests, many ultra sounds, scans, MRI's, a soft tissue biopsy(that i had on new years eve actually), waiting on doctor referrals, seeing a surgeon specialist, all up until my big huge full biopsy surgery that was scheduled on March 5, 2015. we had all been waiting for this one surgery to finally happen, to finally know what everything meant. Waiting sucked, and while waiting the lump had of course grown, i looked like Java the Hut with my swollen neck and that one lump had turned into 5 lumps! well surgery day came and went and we had to wait a week for results. What we didn't count on was the wound to get infected and me ending up in the emergency room since i had been sent home with no antibiotics and no pain meds! of course i was admitted to the hospital and they did everything they could to make me comfortable. Now, i think i was lucky while i was there because my primary care doctor happened to be the attending doctor during the entire week i was there, so I don't know if that had anything to do with the attention i received.
Well, sorry for the side track, but it all goes together I promise. You see while I was in the hospital getting my infection treated Saturday night, my doctor said he would be on top of it and go first thing Monday morning to find out the results of my biopsy. So it was a surprise to me when another doctor came in Sunday night to tell me he had seen my results and right away told me it was all good and that it wasn't cancer!!! I was with my mom in the room when he said it and I even mentioned my doctor saying he himself wouldn't know the results till Monday, which he said he must have gotten them early and we immediately started crying out of joy and a long awaited sense of relief that we finally had an answer. So what did I do next? I texted and made calls to my brothers, Gabby and husband that everything was good and that i wanted them to go off to work Monday like usual and not worry about me. I even told my mom not to worry about rushing to see me in the morning because i was so sure id be going home by the afternoon. well, that didn't happen. The next morning that same doctor came in and said he had different news, he apologized and said he had read the wrong results and there was no other way to say it, but i did in fact have cancer in my lymph nodes and i was officially being diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma. So there I was, sad, a wreck, crying and alone. I had never felt so alone in my life and I couldn't get myself to call and worry anyone or tell my mom the news over the phone, I just couldn't. I cried by myself for a little and once i could bear to even hold my phone I text Gabby. I tried to keep it together as best i could until my mom arrived along with my dad, they happened to get there around the same time as my doctor so i was able to give them the news with some help. Ill fast forward again through telling the family little by little as the days in the hospital continued, keeping as straight a face as possible or the tone of my voice from cracking until I was able to tell them all in person, all except the kids, that's an entire different story. So, there I was, with the news, lots of doubts, lots of questions being answered day to day and a new series of testing and surgeries to prep me for the journey on getting better.
Three words that no one ever really wants to be told. So what do you do when you are? Well, if your me, you cry, you're for a moment heartbroken and you're left wondering am I going to die?
Now, how about I rewind a little bit and hit the fast forward button randomly in between.
This is me:
-Cynthia
-34
-married(Husband Valentin)
-mother of 3(Sammy 13, Melissa 11 and Sarah 9)
-have 3 brothers(Javier, Miguel and Manolo)
-still have both my parents(Graciela and Javier)
-have my little dog(baby girl who thinks shes a real baby)
-6 nieces & 1 nephew
-one super ultimate BFF/Sister(Gabby)
-lots of close family
-and a true handful of bff's I can count in one hand
Now, wish I could say I showed up one day to some tests results and Bam, Cancer was the outcome, but it wasn't, sadly it was a long and extremely emotionally draining roller coaster ride, that all started with a lump. Yup. One tiny little lump the size of a small pea. I had brought it up to my doctor and it was discarded as a regular swollen lymph-node on the back of my neck that would go away in a couple of weeks. It in fact did go away and in its place anther one came along and it too went away. So what happened when I felt one on the side of my neck and noticed after 2 weeks it wouldn't go away? I ignored it and kept telling myself it would. Well, it didn't, and it took me almost 2 months to get myself to tell my doctor, by this time it was no longer the size of a pea, it had grown and felt like the size of a small egg and yet I couldn't get myself to tell him any sooner. I didn't even schedule my own appointment when i finally did, i was there for an appointment with my kids and then threw it out there at the end, and then....Ba Bam...he said, im gonna have to check you in and give you a real check up...I left his office crying that night with my mom and kids in the car and my brother Miguel parked next to us because we met up so he could pick up my niece. I tried to keep a straight face as best as possible and told the kids i was crying because he gave me a shot, when in actuality he had given me all worse case scenarios but at the same time hope that it was just a stubborn infection and i had to come the next day for blood work.
This is where ill hit the fast forward button because the next day of blood work sure wasn't the last. I played the waiting game for almost 8 months through weekly blood tests, random imaging tests, many ultra sounds, scans, MRI's, a soft tissue biopsy(that i had on new years eve actually), waiting on doctor referrals, seeing a surgeon specialist, all up until my big huge full biopsy surgery that was scheduled on March 5, 2015. we had all been waiting for this one surgery to finally happen, to finally know what everything meant. Waiting sucked, and while waiting the lump had of course grown, i looked like Java the Hut with my swollen neck and that one lump had turned into 5 lumps! well surgery day came and went and we had to wait a week for results. What we didn't count on was the wound to get infected and me ending up in the emergency room since i had been sent home with no antibiotics and no pain meds! of course i was admitted to the hospital and they did everything they could to make me comfortable. Now, i think i was lucky while i was there because my primary care doctor happened to be the attending doctor during the entire week i was there, so I don't know if that had anything to do with the attention i received.
Well, sorry for the side track, but it all goes together I promise. You see while I was in the hospital getting my infection treated Saturday night, my doctor said he would be on top of it and go first thing Monday morning to find out the results of my biopsy. So it was a surprise to me when another doctor came in Sunday night to tell me he had seen my results and right away told me it was all good and that it wasn't cancer!!! I was with my mom in the room when he said it and I even mentioned my doctor saying he himself wouldn't know the results till Monday, which he said he must have gotten them early and we immediately started crying out of joy and a long awaited sense of relief that we finally had an answer. So what did I do next? I texted and made calls to my brothers, Gabby and husband that everything was good and that i wanted them to go off to work Monday like usual and not worry about me. I even told my mom not to worry about rushing to see me in the morning because i was so sure id be going home by the afternoon. well, that didn't happen. The next morning that same doctor came in and said he had different news, he apologized and said he had read the wrong results and there was no other way to say it, but i did in fact have cancer in my lymph nodes and i was officially being diagnosed with Hodgkin Lymphoma. So there I was, sad, a wreck, crying and alone. I had never felt so alone in my life and I couldn't get myself to call and worry anyone or tell my mom the news over the phone, I just couldn't. I cried by myself for a little and once i could bear to even hold my phone I text Gabby. I tried to keep it together as best i could until my mom arrived along with my dad, they happened to get there around the same time as my doctor so i was able to give them the news with some help. Ill fast forward again through telling the family little by little as the days in the hospital continued, keeping as straight a face as possible or the tone of my voice from cracking until I was able to tell them all in person, all except the kids, that's an entire different story. So, there I was, with the news, lots of doubts, lots of questions being answered day to day and a new series of testing and surgeries to prep me for the journey on getting better.
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